well I can't set my house on fire every night
he literally just asked me which v neck he should wear tomorrow.
So the guy sitting next to me is watching dungeons and dragons on youtube. I didnt realize you could get more pathetic than actually playing the game.
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
A 300 lb dude in a sundress yelling bible verses while wearing a raggedy anne wig is just as funny as I thought it would be. Thank you san francisco.
Shes been standing with her arms crossed in front of the mirror for 45 minutes...she told me she's "getting sober"
I can't believe I cried over a sausage mcmuffin.
i just had a pap smear and two shots. lets hit the beach.
Idk man I'm just a giant talking marshmallow ready to be toasted and dipped in chocolate
I've never felt so epic in my entire life as I do right now, my bare testicles staring down the ocean itself
let's see, i ended up walking for an hour towards a macdonalds that didnt exist, sprinted full tilt into a powerline, and left a 30 dollar tip to a waitress at dennys we made friends with. I REGRET NOTHING
This baby is an asshole
we were looking for paper towels to wrap his hand and i yanked a drawer out of the cabinet, it was fun so we just kept doing it. things escalated and long story short, he isn't gettin his security deposit back
We've given up. My vagina is tired of constant lonely nights and disappointments. This is our retirement.
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
Randomize
