Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
Is there a reason why the cops knew her name as they were chasing her?
Just got judged by the front desk clerk, 2 maids and a security guard at the Sheraton. I've decided to use this as a character building experience.
Recently successful and happy relationships are at an all time high now that you are no longer fucking so many peoples girlfriends. You alone have changed the mating patterns in the lower half of our county.
You need to stop relating my life to your schoolwork. But tell my girlfriend that she'd be proud.
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
I think the threesome was inevitable when she walked out in nothing but his boxers followed by him completely naked.
Found a piece of twizzler in my buttcrack.
Well, I have a text in my phone that just says "Scrumtrelescent" from a girl I have in here as "Cheesy Tits", so you figure out how my night was going.
No, just kidding. But your faith in me to throw a lesbian bridal shower makes me think I an pull it off. To the LGBT bar!
Nah. After about 5 shots he decided he needed to clean the gutters. We're headed to the hospital now so meet us there.
Lesson learned. No more vodka and toaster strudel
Just walked by the barren window naked in a family neighborhood. Who needs dignity.
Ok, in complete transparency, I am eating a cookie on my bed naked while reading a Halo novel.
That's right. I just LL Cool J'ed you up in this bitch. Zero fucks.
Dude I woke up with a handprint shaped bruise on my ass, a pong ball in my cleavage, and somebody else's gold chain around my neck. Who's house am I in?
Randomize
