Only a mothe r could love this liver
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
whenever music plays i find myself always doing kegels to the beat. its like the new foot-tapping
Well, I looked over and you and him were each making out with a fireman. And then you switched. And you probably spent an hour like that.
Is it possible to dent your eyeball? And how do you "accidentally" go cosmic bowling?
I was throwing up in the shower. He was throwing up on me. It was a cute couple moment for us.
They got me high and left me at the mall with a giftcard for $400. I need an adult.
Congratulations on your lack of fetus.
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
My now ex hook up buddy realized I was hooking up with others when she saw my spotify sex playlist making appearances on fb. fml
I told him that if he cleaned the bathroom, I'd blow him. You could eat off the toilet. Seriously, get over here. This is the cleanest you'll ever see it.
For some reason she gave me a handjob. It was all very confusing
A real best friend would support the hoe in me. Not remind me of what happened the last time I slept with a boss
just saw a girl run into an automatic sliding door, back up and try again
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
Randomize
