fuck yea just found my unicorn costume from when i was 8... still fits
okay I may or may not have wrapped my body pillow up in your t-shirt and sprayed it with your axe and am now spooning with it.
again? I'm starting to get a little creeped out now.
this blows. i told the guy at the bar that i was the DD and it was like i just announced over megaphone that i had genital herpes. no one will talk to me now.
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
They seemed upset when they walked out and saw a penis in a mouth
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
My date just wheeled me home in a shopping cart but it was normal
Vodka?
Forever.
I stood on the corner waiting to be picked up, dry heaving, and trying to block out the sun.
There are two guys's cum on my sheets. Be a man and be the third.
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
My life has evolved from screwing randos, ok?
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
What. The. Fuck.
You'll have to be more specific. I do a lot of "what the fuck" kind of stuff
Its like people have to train for months before they try and drink with us and survive...
Randomize
