So she said grabbing my cock was like holding a giant crayola from pre-school.
that was the beginning of the end.
It was kinda bitchy last night when i brought up my pregnancy scare and you said "shotty playing with it"
I was amazed that you fell flat on your ass and still managed not to spill them drinks in your hands. Your getting good at this.
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
We found her in the fireplace eating dog biscuits.
Hovering on the line between her being fuckable and me being too drunk to fuck. Life's juggling act in progress here.
I need to find more Xanax, my Grandpa doesent leave for another week and he's made it a mission to get me to come out of the closet as a xmas gift to my parents.
Why the hell did you invite him? He's gonna bring two more inches of dick and zero fun.
i told the cop we knew everyone at the party, it was 250 of our closest friends and she's like funny nobody on the balcony knew whose house this was
Thats why they were on the balcony!
I'm sitting on my couch eating a bag of marshmallows and watching someone run bare ass down the street. What has happened to my life?
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
are you still up? I want to use you for sexual things. you have 35 minutes to respond to this offer.
jump out the window naked night went bad
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
Randomize
