The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
And then like 10 minutes later they were taking a bath together. HOW DOES HE DO IT.
just to let ya know we might have to take a stripper snowboardin sometime
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
As i was blowing him Silent Night came on his iTunes. I said "it isn't christmas" and he moans "yeah it is."
Last night we looked at each other with an expression of "fuck I am so done being normal", took off our shirts, and danced around in our bras
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
gona look into getting a tetanus booster and carrying an adrenaline shot...its going off this weekend
NO I WOULD NOT GET A GUMMER FROM A GRANDMOTHER
These bubbles make my penis feel like it is resting on clouds.
he was like captain planet, but less blue and more nakeed
Like these jerks could have told me it wasn't a video call, I wouldn't have put on pants.
the next thing I knew, I was on the floor of a Tim Hortons bathroom in Canada.
Convinced if I was being murdered in my house no one would come and save me. If no one heard my 10000000 orgasms last night, there is no hope.
Randomize
