i get turned down more than a collar. where are the desperate bitches i need to crawl to them
all i remember is screaming butter knifes are for pussies.
Judging by the crutches in the living room I take it you two are fine and we aren't going out tonight?
i was playing the convince him im sober game through texting. i spelled most of the words right. i hope.
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
i wanted to ask her what his dick looked like but i thought that would be weird for the first time i met her
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
I'm about to have a threesome at the hotel where I had my quinceañera. Becoming a woman under this roof for the second time, whaaat
I'm pretty sure my calc professer is on coke. He's just too excited for this to be an 8am class.
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
At one point did I say I have a doctorate in fuck u?
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
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