i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
Thats my favorite, when ex girlfriends become XL ex girlfriends
He told me the hand job I gave him this morning was "lovely".
8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on.
great! i almost saw a gas station fight, and i believe i became the first person to successfully pee and puke in a bathtub simultaneously
Well I'm just gonna sit here naked in this chair and whatever happens happens
he's speaking broken english and calling me isaac.. this is not the australian i ordered for a one nighter
I cant feel my face. Like I dont even know if I have one. I wish I had a helmet
I beat my mom's friend's boyfriend in a vodka chugging competition. Our generation FTW.
I'm reffing a fight in Fight Club I don't even know what I'm doing
can you tell me why i woke up in a diaper and combat boots?
Psssh like you wouldn't lick BBQ sauce off my nipples.
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