I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
Can you send me a picture of you not naked, my mom wants to see what you look like
Better than road-head. Just got model-home-head. Also got a disapproving scowl of judgment from the realtor on the way out.
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
our flight took off 8 am and the bar didn't close til 5, so we decided it was a good idea to just stay out all night. Drunk logic is awesome. We were all scared we wouldn't get let onto the plane
Just found out I own a pyramid. Fuck your good grades, I'm living in my pyramid.
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
I still have beer shits from last weekend. Dying from dysentary is a real threat at this point.
things were going awesome until jimmy put out a cigarette in the everclear.
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
Adulthood is weird i just cleared a check larger than my gross income from 2011 but i also just did coke during my lunch break
My liver needs me to go back to work asap.
Well he offered to lick my asshole so...I'm not really worried about his interest level.
Randomize
