i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
No idea. I woke up in the middle of the night to you drooling and gnawing on my arm. Then you rolled over, punched the air 4 times, then proceeded to talk about your hair in your sleep.
He turned down jacuzzi sex. He cares more about my vagina than i do.
remember that guy i blew in a bathroom in barcelona, i just blew him again in rome. lightning does strike twice.
Why i have shady connections. Owner just txt me asking to come by and judge the new stripper.
Well five day drinking adventure in appreciation of cinco de drinko under the belt, great way to start may
My exam ends at 4pm so I plan to be passed out in the bar by 5pm. Want to join me?
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
Got drunk with him at an Irish pub ended up losing him for twenty minutes when I finally find him his piss drunk singing Irish folk music with a group of Irish guys and a midget
He meets the coolest people when he's drunk
He tried to buy me a drink at dollar beer night. All 3 of his credit cards were declined, so he asked me if I could cover it. Needless to say, I'm not calling him back.
It wouldn't be New Years Eve if we knew where we would be at midnight
Wine and a Lunchable. That would be depressing if it wasn't the pepperoni and mozzarella one. Those are the shit!
Be happy for me... Or horny... Or be a really good friend and feel what I want you to feel. Jealousy
So help me God.... if he sends me a dick pic.... I will make it so he has to eat food through a tube in his nose and poop into a bag by his belly button
Does anyone remember last night? Because I still don't know why I now own a goldfish and a ceiling fan made of pizza?
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