Broke my phone, have no voice AND I was blackout by 3 p.m...I'm betting I had a great time.
well, tey weren't taking lap dances as payment today
you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
Why would you say my penis is small in front of so many people?
just had wine and brownie batter for dinner. Single life is good
The sorority chicks were the Persian army, and we were their 300 Spartans. Can barely stand up now...such a good ratio
So there I was praying he didn't go limp again, choking on a long, long gray ball hair. This is my Saturday night. This. Is. My. Life.
I was riding her and she yelled "fuck me" then someone in the room next door yelled "you don't have to say it if youre doing it."
Tell her to buy some booze and drink away her sorrows like an adult.
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
I hooked up with Spider-Man on the hood of Santas car. I kept saying that he could shoot his web at me. Also I found Waldo. Overall good night.
I feel badly that he has cancer, but this does not mean I am obligated to have sex with him. Again.
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
Dude. Don't do acid and go to Disney on ice. Hear my warnings. That snow monster will fuck your shit up.
Randomize
