It made me feel like I need a reality show of my life so I could go back and watch the episodes to figure out how I got from the trunk of the car to my neighbors tree house...
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
Drunkasaurus has found a new cave to eat all the children she captured
I need to get you away from Bacardi 151 and out from under the bed
I just want a pillowcase full of fast food so I can eat and sleep this hangover away
Tried to ride the mechanical bull pants less, got punched for making out with some lesbians wife, and you tipped the bartender with a can of skoal.
I regret nothing
you were like "guys ... i think i got fingered while dancing tonight"
our poor poor cab driver
its 2pm. u awake yet?
ill text u back later. still peeling fingernail polish off my face.
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
I assume you passed out however I'm drinking jäger and beer in bed with my cat so your friendship world have been appreciated
Monday afternoon and I'm still hungover from Valentine's Day. I think I'm winning at the single life.
My vagina: 1 Male stubborness: 0
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
Also he said my vagina was sculpted by gods so there must be some feelings here.
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
Good morning beautiful! Wanna steal a cat this weekend?
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