Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
I know he gets bloody noses a lot...so that explains all the blood...but I'd say the condoms are definitely from a penis.
NEVERCLEAR, NEVER AGAIN.
you described his penis as a "portable fishing pole"
the two person party stopped when i realized that he tried to throw a hammer at my head.
I just want you to know that I hid the weed. Once you find another job, I'll tell you where it is. Happy Hunting, bro.
doing a walk of shame covered in blue food coloring is only embarrassing if you make it embarrassing...actually no its embarrassing on all accounts
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
The chick got into the cab with us and said we have 3 chances to guess what she just stuck up her ass. Hello to you to!
Both of our knuckles were split open this morning when I came out of the blackout, the column on the porch has two new cracks in it, were like the redneck Super Smash Bros.
Yes. He better. Or I will shave a penis into his beard while he sleeps.
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
You texted me a picture of some random naked guy. Did you lose your virginity?
Randomize
