When the phrase "Wow your huge" came out of her mouth I knew it was gonna be a good night.
we just stared at taco bell's menu on the website for 2 hours
def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
i just ate an entire onion plain. all alone. i have never felt more single in my life
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
I really need to get laid. I'm telling at least 10 girls that I love them tonight.
Odds are at least 1 out of those 10 girls will be as crazy as you and will be into it.
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
jesus, I think that canada gold metal game has completely changed all rules of acceptable drinking habits, I was fucked untill noon and I just got invited to go party when I get off work...at 600am...and NO ONE understood why i was hesitant
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
Also, next time I go get a wax, I'm gonna ask the girl about the innie to outie ratio she sees on the daily.
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
I think I need practice at oral sex
I own a practice facility.
you made the house rule that every time you'd say "yay" everyone had to drink.
that explains so much
Randomize
