i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
Just tried on my bathing suit for the first time this year. Had to drink a beer to numb the pain.
No I'm not coming over. That Bob Ross drinking game is too intense.
Although I love the reason it was done, can you maybe not show pictures of my dick to all your friends at parties? I like to present my penis in my own special way. thanks
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
In honor of the internet blackout, I think everyone needs to change their Facebook pictures to ones of them being blacked out.
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
Whiskey dick is like insurance for making bad decisions
Figured out how I got so much alcohol in my hair: tried to drink my drink using my cleavage as a cup holder. Missed my drink hole and got it all in my hair
going on fb and having 11 notifications all from you is absolutely horrifying
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
I just wiped my butthole and there was glitter down there.
who gets drunk at chipotle by noon and then gets kicked out? this chick.
Randomize
