somebody snuck up and got me drunk
remember that time i ran away from the bar and passed out in a street cot?
neither do i
I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
She said she didn't have time to shave "there"
Then she shouldn't have had time to order the lobster.
1. They have gold fish races every wednesday. 2. They have a redbull vodka slushie. We need to visit this place.
1. My fish will beat your fish. 2. Were getting fucked up
I DON'T CARE LET'S GET DRUNK AND GO. I STRAIGHTENED MY HAIR DO THIS FOR ME.
Yeah I remember I tried to close her head in the freezer last night
I just entered us to win a trip to Vegas for spring break. GET YOUR VAGINA READY FOR THE ULTIMATE DICK HUNT!
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
He ended up buying the equivalent of dinner at a Mexican place, in weed
WHITE RUSSIAN BREAKFAST CEREAL.
He took a picture of me to show his boss why he was late...Is that a compliment or not?
PS- My flight is being emergency landed bc someone smuggled cats on the plane.
did you call me last night and say you were being kidnapped?
I need mimosas to revive my soul
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