good call on bringing her. it's always good to invite chicks who mix booze and prescription drugs.
just got passed by a van of kids watching the little mermaid. debating speeding so i can watch
Didn't u have court just yesterday for ur driving?
IT'S THE LITTLE MERMAID! totally worth another year of probation
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
It's sad that the best source of heat that I have is my vaporizer.
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
Woke up this morning in a randoms bed clutching an airplane ticket. God I hope I'm still in the country
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
We were in the hot tub...he ate the pizza pocket directly out of my mouth
The more and more I think about it, the more I realize... it's not ok to just pull over on the side of the highway to pee... I'm sorry I argued that
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
too late I already started a fight with someone named luscious
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
I was just the victim of a drive by judging in a horse and buggy.
The fuck? Where?
St. Mary's. Amish people. Too high for this.
Because you put the dick in ridiculously amazing boyfriend. And you deserve to have nice things happen to your penis. That's why.
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
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