Just got my period. I'm not pregnant with Scott's child and I won't be having any sex tonight. This must be what they mean by bittersweet.
im just going to wait until i dont feel like the grim reaper is having sex with me
I had no where to run... The dumpster sounded like a good idea at the time
In hindsight, the torn ligament in my knee is probably the fault of the ginbucket and jager bombs starting at 3pm. I guess I'll stop blaming it on you.
I feel like my uterus is decaying in my body
I seriously think the toilet is the cleanest thing in their house. At least if I have to worry its not about that.
The Supreme Court upheld health insurance. If that's not an excuse to get hospital drunk, I don't know what is.
And then he said "if you were planning on bird feeding me that's not ok"
Just because he told you it was safe doesn't mean you should have licked it.
I bought 10 disposable adhesive bras and duct tape. If Home Depot can't help my breasts defy gravity, nothing will...
LMAO
I'm definitely not going to be able to fuck him high. I won't be able to not laugh at his man boobs
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
He told me he felt the only proper thing to do was fuck me to the top of the corporate ladder
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
All I remember was my mom walking through the door, and then me asking her if she wanted a hit.
Randomize
