I bought a bottle of 100 proof for the storm. I am going to drink until I pass out. I'm taking bets. 1:30 pm is the over/under.
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
Tried to eat a chip. Mouth wouldn't cooperate. Nearly died. Wow I've missed this.
What happened to "I wouldnt even touch her with a ten foot pole"?
Her vagina devoured it.
You walked in on me taking a shit and told me to hit the bong
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
You have plans tonight?
Stress crying into a bottle of long island ice tea mix...other than that nope
I've decided that buying my first unused mattress has been my first major step into real adulthood.
WHAT HAS MY LIFE COME TO I'M MAKING A SCARF FOR A PENIS
As a gentleman whose genital hole is relatively small, you could imagine my reaction
Look I'm really high right now, and if I were to leave this house, it would be for the sole purpose of getting an ice cream sandwich. So can you please just do it.
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
The cops high fived after they tackled you
Yea and there’s destruction when we’re together, mostly of our livers but W/e
Randomize
