Well I thought that next 8 ball would either kill us or turn us into Gods
I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
these girls were driving down the road screaming "SHOT!!" out the windows and pelting potatoes at passerby.
i got hit in the ear.
I only wish the guy being lead around by his cock at the drag show was the weirdest part of my night.
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
The fire alarm went off at 3 am in the freshmen dorm. So guess which junior everyone now knows is hooking up with a freshman? This girl...
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
also karaoke with swedish 7yr old and drunk 50yr old = best idea ever
Zach, it's Lisa from work. Was that you yeiling BALLS DEEP at me on I-25 or is it just something about me that invites that from rando creeps?
Oh no. Did you guys fuck on my pull out couch?
I was eating leftover taco bell in bed at 3 in the afternoon. I can't throw any stones
You're like a human soul vacuum cleaner.
I drove them away with my sparkling personality and LOTR references.
He let me share his family pack of hot pockets with him. Chivalry isn't dead after all.
Randomize
