I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
have you ever noticed that homeless people never have acne. suck it proactive
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
You're barking up the wrong lesbian.
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
I am at 2.05 miles in under 11 minutes. So either this thing is broke or I should always work out wasted.
Did we literally take a cab across the street
My fingers feel amazing. Their going like 100 MPH!!
HOLY SHIT. SHIT THAT IS HOLY. HOLY OF THE SHIT.
I tried to convince the Lobo Card people to take my pic with my sunglasses on because I will probably always be this hungover.
Remember those girls from the bar? The tall and short blondes?
Is this a story I am going to hate you for?
It's that moment where you find out the girl you've been dating for 6 months is a mob daughter. Post breakup.
I think we need to stage a munchie intervention for Ben. I just watched him use a tortilla as a potholder to dump water out of his ramen.
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
Randomize
