then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
finally cleaned my dorm for the first time all year. bleach is awesome.
we were fucking and all I could think about is how my silly bands were glowing in the dark.
Just thought i should tell someone im on the roof, if i pass out up here because no one found me, im behind the chimney
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
I should have to wear a sign around the rest of the day so everyone knows the shame I feel.
For Valentine's Day I've purchased six lighters and I'm decorating them for him. I'm on a full ride to an art school and this is what I'm using my talents for. An intervention is needed. Please stop letting me date stoners.
you were stumbling down richmond carrying a girl in a nurse costume. its not even halloween dude
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
I'm high and having a granola buffet this has got to be the healthiest I have ever been
Ok. You have started something that can only end with a picture of the inside of my butthole. It may happen today or next year, but it's on my agenda.
I'm like a bad decision making factory. I need to sit down and have a chat with my decision making elves.
i have a serious question for you... Why I am i not wearing any pants?
Any chance he has an open marriage? That penis shouldn’t be wasted on one woman. It should be shared with all womankind, or at least me. I’m too good at sex to be deprived a penis that large
That’s the third time this month he’s hooked up with a girl by telling her it’s his bachelor party, and he’s not even dating a chick let alone engaged.
Randomize
