I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
He told me I had nice tits + they have a great shape. + then proceeded to flatten my boob + show me what the gross tits he's seen look like.
Triple a is towing cars for free tonight and tomorrow night. Can we take advantage of this ?
I've decided to dedicate my life to finding out which flavor of Gatorade tastes best after you brush your teeth
If I wear a tail on Halloween, how am I supposed to grind? Maybe I will just wear devil horns
Sloppy and selfish. Your 27 and you don't know where my clit is? BYEEE
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
I haven't had sex since the Vanilla Ice concert
Please don't have sex ever again just so you can say that forever.
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
Let the clothes fall where they may.
woke up hungover this morning lying in a water raft covered in water.. i dont know if i should consider this good or bad
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
Randomize
