About me waking up with a tatto of a hamster with a top hat ?
hey.....beach week happens
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
Damn you and your Monday night power hours.
You were fucked up like a footballbat trying to eat gum off your shoe. And that wasn't even the nights lowest point.
I sent him pictures of just me in my thong and he replied "you're so sweet, you make me feel special <3".... Oh.
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
It's going to be so weird waking up tomorrow morning fully rested completely sober and not covered in piss or bruises.
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
Never have i felt more judged than when i was throwing up in front of a hello kitty shower curtain at 5 in the morn
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
Get his dick out of your ass and put on some pants we're here
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
Dude is PACKING. And yes I am holding up a cross and holy water and hissing like a pissed off goose.
God specifically crafted these hands to deal out orgasms.
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