Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
Nyquil jello-shots aiding in health and happiness
You were doing karaoke. Then you screamed "SHOUTOUT TO ADAM LAMBERT" and started making out with the very surprised looking guy next to you.
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
Finding a keg in our kitchen would be like god personally high fiving each of us.
I don't care if he got kidnapped by a cult one time he is a dick
You can fuck me but I'm keeping my parka on.
This guy is walking around with a deer head on. Honestly what the fuck
Come get your sister, she's waving a shoe about and threatened to "teabag the Shit" out of the doorman because she can't check the shoe in.
He drinks vodka like healthy people drink water and I wanted to have his adopted gay babies. That's all. I'm going to go find him and potentially propose.
It's gonna be like a sexual version of A Christmas Carol in my house in a few days.
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
Randomize
