I just got stood up by an 18 yr old. fmylife.
I have a dream, to one day wake up next to a girl, walk to the washroom and kick her kids toys out of the way. That day has come, yes we can.
Last night we were drunk and talking about rude things, I mentioned felching and had to explain it to everyone. Everyone was disgusted and asked how I knew about such filth and I told them you told me. Don't get mad. Also a quck heads up, you might get gifts of straws at work,
im in Michaels with rachel and i see a little boy jumping around and waving a rainbow pompom. Welcome to our team little one
Both he AND his 17 year old son were hitting on me... I'm bridging generational gaps
Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
I woke up and he used my makeup to write "hope you don't get pregnant" on my mirror before he left
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
Because she seems like the type to give it up for a box of fruit rollups.
A guy claiming to be the Japanese counterpart to the White Power Ranger is trying to take me home....
LMAO I like how "don't worry I'll bring chasers" is your way of assuring things will be ok
its like i just tried to scrub the hangover off of me.
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
Do you remember trying to eat the shower curtain last night...?
Randomize
