My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
I will never underestimate my ability to drunken ramble. At one point last night i think i was talking about hieroglyphics
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
I just told him that with every paper, I'd take a picture of myself with one less piece of clothing. Who say's I can't be a tutor?
I think animal control just caught me smoking a bowl on the back porch. Do they have any say in this matter?? Haha
Excuse me, but I got friendzoned and all I could think about was the fact that I didn't have my underwear back on yet.
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
Did you know they have a bouncer at Applebee's because I did not
If Boring and Monotone had a love child, it would be this guy.
I'm shaving my vagina to the lion king soundtrack. How's your 9am?
This morning we had sex while he was wearing a full length fur jacket and sunglasses... I wasn't even phased
The expiration date on my 40 is the same day as my 21st birthday
Randomize
