He is such a gentleman, he paid for my plan b
Please explain to me what this has to do with my fantasy to fuck larry king?
Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
I've decided I'm just gonna keep drinking til the baby bump shows...
sweet and enthusiastic is code for tiny dick.
there is way too much butter on my body for this to be okay
So....maintenance found the bullethole.....
I knew it was time to leave Waffle House when you started singing "What's Your Fantasy" to your hash browns.
I can't even go pee because I'm making sure he doesn't run off somewhere naked.
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
we dropped acid in chinatown. worst. idea. ever. too many colors. and nobody has any idea where steve is.
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
I have photo proof.
Girl, don't care. What's my rule? If I don't remember it, it never happened.
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
Randomize
