I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
She threw up in the hot tub how's your night
coming out of a blackout being surrounded by Disney police was not as awesome as it sounds.
My neighbors are outside blasting Hootie and the Blowfish while drunkenly hitting a stump with a hammer. I could get used to this.
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
HOLY FUCK I JUST GOT WOKEN UP BY THUNDER!!!!!
I THINK I SHARTED
Hahaha my philosophy professor just opened class with "I had a shitty weekend and I was at the bar until 815 this morning. So bear with me".
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
So I just stirred my shower drink with my razor.
I'm not going to ask which end you used.
I wish I could be happy with a nice Christian girl, but no, I need a hot mess who starts bar fights
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
Got 2 free lines of blow from some random guys on the side of 13th street.....how's your Sunday going?
I know I swore I wouldn't go home with him, but he whispered that he had taquitos and you know how much drunk me loves taquitos.
But actually he solved 40% of my life problems just in one dicking
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
Randomize
