I wanted to google "huge banana" but I'm pretty sure all I'd get is dick pictures.
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
Learned a valuable life lesson last night. It's titled "Tequila: Still A Bad Idea".
And some old guy told me Jesus loves me and I laughed super hard and told him sinning is fun. Hahaha
Had sex with the Irish bartender in Spain. So that happened.
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
Is using cherry lube as jam shameful or hilarious
Donald Trump looks like someone photoshopped hair onto a dick pic.
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
Jello shots? I thought you weren't drinking tonight.
Im not drinking im slurping
The guy at the liqiour store just said "Wow haven't seen you in awhile, is everything okay?"
We had a pink drink in honor of my underwear and apparently I made out with our bartender... a few times
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