He was all up on my grill like I was having a BBQ. I DONT EVEN KNOW HOW TO USE A GRILL.
90% of the problems in your life are directly related to your vagina
If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
If someone would have told me in preschool that I was going to do him I would have said no
I also have a full keg. I'm thinking about crashing a party, they can't get mad if I bring a keg of beer.
Well if he truly loves me he will just have to accept my flaws. And that includes a tequila dependency and borderline lesbianism.
Do I have to formally apologize to Brett for flashing him?
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
And when were you going to tell me to stop dancing on his coffee table singing "come on irene?"
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
i could have got laid, but instead, i threw up in her hair. you can cross that off the bucket list.
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