dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
So I have exactly 420 dollars saved up in tips from the past week. I win, and I take that as a sign from god that I am allowed to use that money to buy drugs.
brass monkey on radio. cant stop dancing.
I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
i just threw up in the porta potty. i am in no condition to be guarding anyone's life rite now.
My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.
Never again. Her vagina looked like a sad old man.
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
Probably TMI here but I just rubbed one out while listening to thunderstruck, almost ripped my dick off.
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
We are in Florida for 3 days. The people in charge of shit brought: a waffle maker, a cheese grater and a SEWING MACHINE
AND NO VODKA
And then god smiled down upon me and he said let there be hangover food and let it be Wendy's
Currently googling hangover cures, which looks a lot like working from the perspective of my boss.
I think my moral compass just broke
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