you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
Made out with me girlfriend while she was peeing. all time high, or all time low?
I think when she wakes up, she'll either kill me, or laugh. I hope she laughs.
Did you get the "i have a yeast infection from that wet frat bathroom floor" text?
she was trying to use her iTranslate app while we were having sex.
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
Trust me. Drunk Scrabble is not a good idea. Arguments over the legitimacy of the word "Pickle" break out, things are said, friendships are ruined. It's ugly.
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
I'm in my bed. Snow angles in fresh sheets. don't even try to get me out tonight.
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
I've just had my first cup of coffee in a month and I moaned at the first drink and honestly I think this is the most sexual expreiance in 6 months
mcfuck me up
MCFUCK ME UP INSIDE
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
you woke up this morning in a laundry basket, only wearing rainboots.
he said he's going to burn things and pack his stuff. he may leave tomorrow supposedly but i doubt it
Randomize
