what time did you get home last night?
SO late...when your in the lap of a 35 year old superstar you loose track of time
He said to me " i could be your father but i dont care"...it was so hott
Small dicks are the new regular sized dicks.
everything was goin great until he pulled out his ed hardy lighter and smoked in my face like he was cool.
it's like you attract all the douchebags that nobody wants. people should thank you.
you had sex with a 30 year old who doesn't have a cell phone but does have an 8 year old son.
he's 29.
All he wants to do is masturbate while I sit there with my big toe up his ass that is not even the worst part of it.
I drunkenly asked a stripper to join our volleyball team.
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
Your roommate from freshman year just had a baby. I think you're winning. Hooray for fifth year seniors!
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
Koalas always seemed like really high little puppy kittens to me.
They just dared her to tape flip flops to her tits. Entertainment value cannot be found like this in any other part of America.
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
I am so sorry for drunk texting you r kelly lyrics
I'll give you a blowjob in a Santa hat if it will put you in the Christmas spirit
I tried to cut you?! I'm sorry! PS where's my hair?
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