does the new i-phone have a pregnancy test app?
You better get here soon. I'm about to spend $30 on a cactus online
She had one drink in her cleavage and another in her hand. She kept rotating between the two by leaning backward and then sipping the one in her hand.
ROOF CAVED IN, WE'RE GUNNA MAKE A WATERSLIDE
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
So I'm at that stage in my life where I am stalking my stalker just to get laid
The fact that he said "there's nothing wrong with being a raging drunk, just ask my mother." has me thinking that I have no positive role-models among my friends.
I don't know if it is the Everclear or chemistry, but i think my brain is coming out of my ears.
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
Tony's mom to him at breakfast: "I found the shirt you wore last night in the bushes this morning."
I need thought I would ever have to use the phrase "Don't fart on that Calzone".. Thanks for that
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
Randomize
