I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
I had to fart so bad so i let it go hoping it would be quiet, it was loud and shit came out!!! and i couldnt leave because her parents were behind me
i have a food baby... i think its a boy...
No amount of marijuana is enough to justify blood on my ceiling
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
good news: I made it out of bed and into shower. Bad news: I made it back to bed without clothes. Worse news: I don't know this bed.
I almost stepped in a homeless mans stream of urine as he was peeing. I love this city.
trying to figure out what happened last night by looking around the apartment.
naked man under the piano. THE PLOT THICKENS.
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
He doesn't like Sabbath and that alone is a GIANT red flag. Learn from my experiences and never, I mean NEVER associate with people that hate Black Sabbath and Motörhead.
You just kept looking down at your tits and screaming "I LOVE YOU TWO!!!"
Fuck my life he IS a stripper, Ive been sleeping with a stripper named Phoenix. damnit, I knew the sex was too good
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
I think he just shit his pants. Yep he did. That's unfortunate.
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
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