Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
after we finished we were both getting water at the kitchen sink...butt naked
so?
then my sister's foreign roommate walked out...in footy pajamas
my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
Even water is tasting like jack daniels
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
Never thought I'd say this but I just want to go home, ice my balls, and pop a Vicodin.
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
hotdog in my bra and i still managed to score. Got a bit freaked when he tried to eat it though. I paid 3 bucks for that fucking hotdog.
Its not gay if you're best friends and there's less than an inch of dick in the picture. That's where the line is drawn
I'm not saying I would have to be high to sleep with him. I'm just saying it would probably help.
i need to put some appletini on your dick
Doesn't matter if you work at a funeral home. If the boss says get a keg, you get a keg.
Thanks for the reference. If your boss hires me, I'll buy you a drink.
If my boss hires you, I'm going to need it.
Feels weird riding an elevator with my tongue in my own mouth.
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