I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
I can't. I can't get out. He cooked me food. And made me jager bombs. And painted a glow in the dark smilie face on my boobs
No... No really he actually thought the condom was meant for his hand...
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
He only had napkins in the bathroom... no toilet paper. If I fuck him, am I settling?
What goes on in that head of yours?
Gay sex, for the most part. Why?
Theres a 75% chance I'm wearing a hocky mask and nothing else right now
Ps I am
Stop saying "make it happen". I'm not gonna say "hey, you should get naked with your sister and roll around together while I penetrate you both"
Yes. Do not say that. That will not make it happen.
Still. Make it happen
I just put on lipstick to sext him. That should tell you where my love life is at.
I still can't believe that dog licked my nipple.
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
Randomize
