you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
just cuze she's 16 doesn't mean it's illegal to add her on facebook
chastity bono is officially a man...and has a really hot girlfriend...life doesn't make sense
I don't want to talk about her cat for two hours only to dry hump till I'm blistered. Not worth it.
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
He might have if you were a little more subtle about your feelings instead of telling everyone multiple times how much you wanted his dick
Somebody found our where I was and called the bar looking for me. When the bartender called my name I finished my beer and took off like a fugitive.
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
Ordained minister or not I hereby renounce all moral responsibility for any and all related occurrences
I have so many plans for this weekend and sobriety is not invited.
Honestly I don't even have room for feelings after that Taco Bell
I don't know. I'm drunk and dressed as a pirate but ill do the math tomorrow morning.
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
dude, i told you to rally, so you sprinted upstairs, knocked some girl down, and without missing a beat said, "not now bitch, im in the fucking zone" and took off
Randomize
