I'm playing musical beds - it's not very fun
direct quote: "i'm so over my clit" either best or most awkward conversation possible with your COUSIN
just woke up in the beanbag bin at walmart
"reccomended dose" hasn't been in my vocabulary for quite some time.
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
Steve just broke his bong and some kid in an american flag bathing suit and no shirt just fell down the stairs. Its dangerous here
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
Flacco has been sacked like 7 times. His name also auto corrects to Flaccid. That's so sad
You gotta do what you gotta do. Like how I gotta drive in the rain to go get chicken nuggets. I just gotta.
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
Random boy motorboated me, handed me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, winked and walked out with some other girl
Find him and marry him.
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
Dude no i feel my liver disintegrating
Randomize
