thx for the lesson on dirrty dancing
Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
I knew he was a nice guy, because when we switched positions he flipped the mattress so I wouldn't have to lay in a pool of his sweat.
It's like you are the superhero of getting jizzed on
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
This girl ordered Hershey syrup and red wine and he made it for her
Jerry got outside again, i found him making dirt angels in the garden. I need to put a bell on that bastard.
I want to preface this by saying nothing happened, nothing is on fire. It is mere speculation. Do we have a fire extinguisher?
You should not have followed "the guy who peed in my bed" with "he smells good."
and yet oddly the jello shots tasted better coming up than going down
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
He saw me naked after our first date and still asked for a second.. so I think we’re doing good
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