Her bacne/racne was so bad it was like having sex with bubble wrap.
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
i should probably stop thinking with my vagina, and start using that $70, 000 education i can't afford. what the fuck.
Oh my god. I'm not ready to be an adult. I'm not ready.
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
I think I hit my head on every surface in that apartment last night
Hey do you have any hot friends that would settle for less?
Note to self...boner negates all verbal agreements ...got it
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
His flight is delayed. Mother Nature is delaying me from sex.
You told the entire smokers deck that you were blowing .08 now and anyone else willing later
I threw up this morning to Silent Night playing in background. It was actually quite soothing.
if becoming an adult is chugging a bottle of wine in your bed and crying about your stresses while your dog watches you, sign me up
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
We fucked. Had a political debate. I won. So I sat on his face.
Randomize
