remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
it really sends the message that i like to impregnate mortal women and have them birth fantastic half man-half god infants.
I can't believe I'm wasting this thong on a guy in a sweater vest.
the can pyramid on my head actually reached a decent height before I moved.
I slept with him because his girlfriend should know better than to be with him given is reputation. It was like sex and a lesson all in one.
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
SHE SITS THERE LIKE A DICK LIKE AN ACTUAL DICK JUST LIMP AND DUMB AND BLAH
You know, part of me wants to die and the other part of me doesn't want to live
Seriously I can't get a booty call for some baked goods.
I threw up a lot of peanut butter last night.
You know shit got weird when you watched another guy shove drugs up your wife's ass and it wasn't awkward for any of us....
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
Nothing much. Just taking shots of tequila before I go get a bikkini wax. You?
I need to get laid. Right now that freshman frat pledge & my Econ professor are the leading candidates
That’s quite a spread
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