My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
i find it simply astounding you spelled drunken wrong but pterodactyl right
she told me that she was curious about how cum tasted. of course i left you.
They told me you were taking cheese cube shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce... Is this true?
I have too much pride to pick his chest hair out of my mouth again
I'm drinking sangria out of a sand pail. I'll pass on tonight
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
i don't even know why we got arrested this time. i think the cops just like our company at this point
He had a tramp stamp of his own phone number. You can't tell me that isn't smart.
The one time my sister did shrooms she thought she was thumbalina. I can't live my life that way
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
I just came rly close to telling a dude that I want to chew on him and there should be an oil painting of his ass up in the louvre before I realized that isn't how flirting is supposed to go
Our sex from this weekend should be engraved into a plaque or commemorated somehow. It was fucking amazing.
It went from a "chill game of beer pong" to "absinthe body shots and a tits parade" in literally two minutes.
Told you inviting her was a good idea.
Randomize
