I just saw on the news, this guy tried to smuggle coke in a bouquet of roses... and to think I used to hate valentines day.
i didn't know falling asleep in the tbell line could get you a dui. Isn't everyone there stoned or drunk?
So I cleaned the toilet last night at 2 am and woke up with pink eye. Never doing that again.
You can't see him, he's in front of the dildo, but Amelia Earhart is blocking your view.
Somewhere along the night we ended up at a food lion giving jello shots to high school girls.
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
the cops were hovering over him then shinned a flashlight to the floor above ours, then I realized that some fucker jumped from the third story.
fuck our hall.
Chilling. The soap was talking at one point if I rememeber right...
When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
Should I be scared that after we hooked up she took antibiotics with Sailor Jerry's?!
THIS IS EXACTLY WHY YOU SHOULDA FUCKED BEFORE YOU MADE HIM YOUR BOYFRIEND, CURVED DICKS ARE NOT OK
He said his parents were apparently coming over to surprise him with breakfast and I’ve never gotten dressed and run out of the door that quickly. I have commitment issues.
She was screaming and crying about how she couldn't find her middle finger. Then, she threw her body on to the pavement. Thats the last time we buy a freshmen a handle.
You were out of control then you fell asleep on his lap for 30 min and woke up civil. Way to powernap to sobriety!
Randomize
