Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
call me tomorrow and ask me about coke-whore stripper. It hasnt happened yet, but im sure it will be plenty disappointing.
She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
i walked in on him listening to enya, jacking off, and vomiting into a cup on his desk. are you serious.
Her face is stuck to the frozen jager bottle. I think shes ok with it
im seconds away from chugging that vodka and preforming the surgery on myself.
She started puking and I started running and I swear to god there was a wave of vomit chasing me down the stairs.
I'm chatting with a girl missing a front tooth. I find it quite distracting. I'm sure you have deduced what bar I'm drinking in on this monday night.
So he's compensating for a really small penis. Either that or he's a drug lord.
Oh hey. I left my beer there. Beer is more important than my pride. I want to pick that up.
THEIR PENISES MATCH. I JUST REALISED THAT. THEY HAVE IDENTICAL DICKS. OH GOD.
Don't go to sleep yet I need your Mexican roots. Can you come make guacamole
How many Wendy's frosties do you think it would take to fill a bathtub?
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
I am real keen for none of this to be taken out of context so let’s just shut it down right now
Randomize
