you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
that girl last night was a 15
wait she was 15?
no like black jack not sure if you should hit it
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
I woke up to a paper award certificate for best blow job and he was gone. You're welcome mystey man.
About to fuck some random fraternity guy I met at a party. I guess this would be the right time to say I don't want to be with you anymore.
Bad news? she threw her drink in his face, left her phone at the club, and disappeared. I found her laying in bed with the bottle she stole from our VIP service. Good news is she's asleep and I have the bottle, come home
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
YES please come visit. Lets go get belligerent. I won't even pepperspray you
I just found a half a joint in my bed. . .don't know if this qualifies as a proud moment or a cry for help
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
I just had sex with the male version of myself. looks, mindset, even our boob to dick ratio was the same
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
Moral of the story - don't craft naked. Your nipples with thank me.
No no no, work drunk and day drunk are totally different. I got drunk with a client and made a huge sale at 1pm. You are still in your PJs and jacking off.
Randomize
