I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
these 2 russian guys walked past me and i got freaked out because i thought call of duty got real
i had to take off my light up shamrock necklaces, my professor was getting suspicious.
Came to from my blackout with native american warrior facepaint on I'm too old for this shit
The facepaint not the blacking out
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
Just at the gym drinking. We call it treadmillcolada
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
Update: That guy is no longer in the restroom, so he's probably not dead.
just shotgunning some tallboys in the cooler, you?
HOW DO YOU GET RAISES EVERY TWO WEEKS?!
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
I didn't know I was invited to an orgy.
I will never use my dick in anger. With great dick comes great responsibility
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
Cheyanne in woods. Ducks attacked. My toe is bleeding. We are gpsing our way home on foot. No worries
u better not lose ur virginity to a sugar daddy who doesn’t post a pic of himself to tinder
Randomize
