i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
Still drunk just puked in the meat cooler tried to clean it up with ham. Its not working
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
my roommate is sobbing and looking at photos of elephants. i'm so confused.
I think I sprained my soul last night
She makes me want to eat babies and throw kittens in pots of boiling water.
He had a joint rolled for us when he picked me up. It's how ASU does romance
There just aren't enough words in the English language to convey my deep and abiding love of your cock. So I am beefing up on my Portuguese.
My wife ladies and gentlemen! Love ya babe.
Also... I'm unsure what to do with my face while someone is choking me during sex. Like I feel like its hard to look flattering.
I've already come to terms that I'm gonna have to bone a few gross librarians, but hey, it's college
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
Sorry for peeing on you and your bed last night.
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
When do you estimate your next shower will be? Several people have asked.
Randomize
