i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
there's chicken and sequins in our bathroom sink. part of me almost wants to know what happened
She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
Just so were clear I meant the head your face is on
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
He called me piss drunk at 7:30pm while cooking bacon and said he was going to bed. I don't think he's taking it well.
I come from a long history of big boobed German, Swedish, and Irish women. And then there's me. Mother nature was like "Naaaaaaah."
It's volleyball. Just do it. You want to look sporty. Save sexy librarian for another day.
DO NOT THROW SOUP AT YOUR SCREEN
I don't fucking know. He perched his parrot on his dick. I left after that.
MY DAD KEEPS LIKING PORN LINKS/ALBUMS ON FACEBOOK AND THEY ALL SHOW UP IN MY NEWSFEED
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
is it bad that im laying on a beach towel in my room with my lights on high pretending to be tanning on the beach in the summer?
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