I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
just peed in the tub, threw it on Megan.. she threw more back, I got out and threw toilet water on her.. forecast for tomorrow? pink eye.
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
Is it weird I want to fuck the cartoon chick from e-surance??
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
MRIs the morning after St. Patty's Day was a poor choice.
Dude you didn't move for like 2 hours then suddenly sang the chorus to ghetto superstar and passed back out
these girls were driving down the road screaming "SHOT!!" out the windows and pelting potatoes at passerby.
i got hit in the ear.
I don't understand how these people can do extreme gymnastics and I have problems walking up the stairs.
Shia LaBeouf arrested in austin for public intoxication. JUST DO IT
I would wear his ballsack as a hat if he asked me to
I'll explain later but I just had to legally commit to abstinence for the next 4 months
You ghosted you're own booty call. Wow what a sad sad man.
My mother just set me up with the son of the man I fucked last weekend. I could crawl under a rock and die OR I could remember the rules of genetics and hope that JR takes after daddy. Wish me luck...
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