FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
On the plus side this hangover is the tipping point that finally convinced my lazy ass to get some sunglasses.
I lost my grandmas ring. Probably during the handjob.
Lives are in shambles. Livers are in disrepair. Our friend was missing for 2 days. His brother slept in a porta potty. God damn you college world series
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I think he just made me trade sex for my cat.
So stoned i forgot i was in bed
Hamster emergency. Can u come in here
We got drunk and crashed a fifty year old woman's birthday party for the food. Whoops.
It's cuz all she eats is salt lick, human souls, and fast food
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who is the naked dude on the coffee table
thats jeff, jeff is nice so don't be rude
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
To get him to come she paid for his uber and promised that someone in the house would give him head. it worked
he ended the message XOXO, who the fuck does he think he is GossipGirl.
He said when the pizza came I zip locked one slice and went to the couch and snuggled with it. Does that give you an idea of how my night was?
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
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