I thought he was joking about bailing you out until I saw the picture of you and the sheep in the morning paper. Were those my boots you had on it
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
i just did the math...im a product of my mothers birthday sex
She needs to learn she only fits into our friendship as a DD.
Blood and glitter go together right?
At a party. It smells like teen pregnancy and sadness in here.
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
I always hoped that one day I'd have a sex position named in my honor.
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
Best sex of my life. But I think it's because I like his apartment. Really nice bed sheets. High vaulted ceilings. I wanted to lay there forever.
You're getting old. Was it located in a nice school district for your future offspring?
How frowned upon is it to take your vibrator into the tanning bed...because Operation: dripping wet is in full swing and I have a busy schedule
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
Then his buddy called and said "my car broke down, I need a ride. If I'm not home by midnight they'll extend my house arrest." And I knew it was time to leave.
All I remember is you shouting "THIS KID IS A FREAKIN' NINJA!!" when he dive rolled over a barbed wire fence and proceeded to ask for his 18th beer.
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
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