when did we get to this "texting at random" level on friendship?
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
Its not christmas eve unless I give him head. I wont take no for an answer
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
Aqua-barf. When you are about to puke in the toilet but pass out face first instead...and then puke. WITH YOUR FACE IN THE BOWL. There is no escaping the puke ring you have on your face. I know first hand.
Really, thanks for buying me caribou, it helped me out. Today will forever be the day I threw up in a caribou cup in the skyway outside of chipotle.
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
Oh and I ate all of your Cinnamon Toast Crunch. Consider it part of your reparation payment for accidental anal insertion. I may continue to collect payments until I am no longer sore.
the whole bar just wished me luck with my booty call tonight
I feel like we have both made good decisions regarding our vaginas lately
Did body shots with a guy... Ended up being the ref of my volleyball game... So that's why we won
I just set my acrylic nail on fire while trying to light my blunt
good news: i got laid. bad news: by your boyfriend
We need to get Harry and Lloyd's tuxedos from Dumb and Dumber. I feel like this is a vital thing that is missing from our lives.
How's work going?
Boring. I have a cat on a leash right now
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