he told me my vagina needed a tic tac
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
she made me put on a condom before giving me a handjob...this is why i hate freshmen
he called you a drunk bob the builder and you proceeded to explain how you were going to build ramps throughout the house
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
My glasses are somewhere in your living room. Also, my underwear might be in your bathroom or on or around your porch. Sorry.
Yeah.. he went to Tebow in the middle of the crosswalk and got hit by a cab... The yellow ones really don't stop
I'm glad they extended train service last night. People crying, screaming, throwing up, fighting and peeing themselves on a train made me feel like I've got my shit together.
Seriously I will never run in my wedges while drinking racing home to have sex ever again
They need 20 oz Capri suns with liquor. Douches need to grow up with their clients
Despite popular belief cocaine is not a good pre-workout
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
I may be a feminist, but I am not above using my body to distract you if it means I might beat you in a game of scrabble.
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
wait. i have to tell u something. and it has nothing to do with dildos or spiders
Randomize
