The first sip always goes straight to my vagina.
so while we were having sex, he stuck it in my but, and when he finished he goes next time can we have anal. i don't know if that means im tight or my butt hole is loose, i choose to think the first one
I'm having one of those days where I just want to lay in bed and beat off all day
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
you called me and cried until i agreed to record a rap about our lives with you
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
Do you remember our dinosaur noises from last night ? Breaaaahhhhhppp
I fucked him while wearing his hat. I love the navy
bought a large fruitopia from McDonalds at 7:45 this morning. Spilled it on the ground. Cried. THAT hungover.
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
drunk me always erases text conversations because she is a woman of mystery and does not like for me to know what's going on in her life
so in 24 hours i have gotten caught having sex in my car by a cop, almost burnt off my vag, almost got hit by a semi, and got fired. awesome.
I'm seriously scared right now. Woke up next to 3 geese and a lot of feathers ..
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