turns out I still hate jay leno...even at 10pm.
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
The couple that wants to take me home just paid the bartender $100 to pour tequila down my throat. I think I'm in some type of twilight zone where stds run rampant and the alcohol floweth
Can we please get through at least one night out when you DON'T threaten to have sex with one of my parents?!?!
thanks for not telling him i named my trumpet after his dick
there is a hole burned clean through my text book on forestry law and I saw you walking around with a blowtorch last night. Hope you have $160 on ya...
Dude, I'm pretty sure I slept with my TA's girlfriend
Batchelotette party success. I woke up on the floor in nothing but a thong, a garter and a shirt that says Just Do Me.
Dude this weed smells so good they should make it into a Vicks vapor rub scent and I would rub it all over myself.
OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
I have chicken nuggets, lube and brand new batteries, he can stay at work charting all weekend for all I care, I'm set.
Let's go buy marshmallows and play chubby bunny until we feel alive again
She's still here. My penis can feel it.
Dude, I think she left with some dude like an hour ago
FOUND HER. I swear this thing is like a metal-detector
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
Randomize
