no seriously, she's legit pissed i'm late to lunch because i was watching full house. there's obviously no future here.
You defs just slept for 6 hours in a porta pottie. You should probably just kill yourself.
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
It's like a teen mom casting at the Obgyn's office. I feel great about my positive life decisions.
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
Watching the wiggles while tripping on acid is the scariest fucking thing of all time
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
My name will be tattooed on his ass by sunday.
SMOKEY THE BEAR CAME AT US WITH FUCKING AXES IN MY DREAM I THINK IT IS A SIGN TO STOP BLAZING IT IN THE WOODS
Remember the golden rule, wine is for baths, and beer is for showers.
She's asleep in a fisher-price toy car
I think we might need a safe word for this...
I think my life is a one-way ticket to blackout city.
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
I just remembered that I totally burped into someones mouth when we were making out. I was really smooth about it so he didn't notice.
Randomize
