i wish starbucks made bloody marys
My underwear smells like fireworks.
he had a sign stolen from the tennis court hanging above his bed that said, "please limit play to one hour while others are waiting"
Please tell me that text was part of your elaborate Brett Favre costume; otherwise, dude, wtf?
We had sex under a tree in his boss's backyard, then I hooked up with his best friend. I don't even care how I got home.
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
WHY DO YOU ALWAYS PUT THE PLUG IN THE SINK BEFORE YOU PUKE IN IT
My underwear said "hard to get" on the butt. He laughed when he took them off.
Great news! In less than 2 hours, I'm ripping your underwear off with my teeth!
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
I am harder than a fucking diamond and Michael Bolton is playing. Your move.
March Madness means a buffet of emotionally vulnerable dick at the bars almost every night. So yeah my vagina and I are big fans.
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
just had sex in a stairwell with six feet five inches worth of drama
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
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